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Have you ever noticed the same patterns that keep playing out in your relationships? Or, hey, maybe that you don’t even let yourself get close enough to people to even have romantic relationships.
You know that there is something to it… but what? You don’t want to keep doing those things, but…they just… happen.
Studying psychology for nearly 2 decades (wow that statement makes me feel old!!), I had heard about this thing called “attachment” many times. But, when I heard about it, it was always talking about the child-parent relationship. Little did I know, there was this amazing field of research that looked at how these attachment patterns played out, not just in our childhood, but into our adult years.
Since discovering the brilliance that is ‘Adult Attachment Theory’, my mind has been blown. I see it everywhere, how these patterns we formed in our childhood play out in our adult lives. It has become a fundamental piece of my work.
When I learned about child-parent attachment patterns, based on researched originated by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, it basically said this:
If your primary caregiver (usually your mom), is for the most part attentive, present, meets your emotional and physical needs, all of that good stuff, and, you don’t experience any sort of trauma (medical, accidents, abuse, etc) you develop a secure attachment. You feel safe and comfortable connecting to others.
If your primary attachment figure was sometimes there, sometimes not, misattuned to you (not really responding to your emotions in the way you need), or, if you experienced some sort of trauma as a little one, you may develop an anxious attachment style. There is where you feel unsure if you can trust or depend on others.
If your primary attachment figure met your physical needs, but had a difficult time responding to your emotional needs, or, again, you experienced some sort of trauma, you may develop an avoidant attachment style. Children can learn to not express their needs, because it feels safer to just not have any.
Now, that is the most Coles Notes version of attachment theory ever, but, we’ll get more into it shortly. Don't get self diagnosing just yet, there are many factors that go into our attachment styles.
It’s important to say that parents do the best they can with what they’ve got, right? It’s not that our primary caregivers just decide to not meet our needs, sometimes they are just too preoccupied with their own stuff to really get it. Their own trauma, other children, postpartum depression, you name it. I’ll also add that unfortunately, many common parents practices can be detrimental to little humans-- parents think they’re doing the right thing! Parents are humans too, making them just as imperfect as we are. So this isn’t to shame parents, it’s to shine light and develop deeper understanding.
So, we have these attachment patterns as children. And guess what…researchers found out something very interesting. They discovered that they can predict our attachment style in adulthood, based on patterns in infancy. That’s right. Infancy! Those early months are hugely formative. Extremely important. They can literally shape how we relate to others for the rest of our lives. Kind of scary, isn’t it?
But here’s some good news: Just because everything wasn’t perfect in your childhood doesn’t mean you are destined to live out a painful attachment pattern your entire life. Hooray!
Here is what happens… As we grow up, we start to expand our network. It’s not longer just dear ol’ ma and pa, friends become super important. [Now, I haven’t read research about this, but, I have observed over the years that many people play out these attachment styles in friendships as well.] Then, when our dear friend puberty hits, it’s game over. Bye bye, Mom and Dad. It’s time for romantic interest. We find ourselves starting to be attracted to others and are ready to be “more than friends”.
Funny thing is… we think we are attracted to that person because of their personality, how they look, that really funny joke they told the other day that made you laugh so much water came out of your nose. Hate to break it to you, but, that ain’t the case. We are attracted to people who have similar attachment patterns, or ways of being in relationship, to our primary caregiver. I know… we’re kind of twisted, aren’t we?? Ok… fine… maybe your crush being cute does impact things a little bit.
The ideas around why this is suggest things such as: we seek out what is familiar to us because that’s how we've learned to relate to others, and some say it is to provide us an opportunity for healing the hurt that was caused in those younger years-- This is known as “reenactment”.
Either way, it presents a challenge for those who developed insecure attachment. Especially because if we tend to be on the anxious side, we are typically attracted to avoidant attachment patterns. And if we are on the avoidant side, we are typically attracted to anxious attachment patterns. This, quite obviously, makes it very difficult to create a stable, healthy relationship.
Hopefully, by this point, it’s starting to make sense why past relationships (or maybe a current one!) haven’t gone so well. You are each trying to have your needs met by each other, needs that contradict what the other one is looking for.
Stats vary, but, according to most research about 50-60% of the population is securely attached. Yay! But, that means that up to 50% of us are insecurely attached, with slightly more being avoidant than anxious.
What can you do about it? Well, recognizing your attachment style is the first step. Noticing when your pattern is being triggered is also hugely important. Recognizing that there is some healing to be done, if your attachment style is insecure. And you know what, even if you are secure, you’re still not perfect, and anxious or avoidant tendencies can flare up now and then. Exploring the roots of these patterns is an important part of the process. When we break it down, we act out in these ways because there is a hurt little child inside of us still waiting for what we didn’t get when we were little. This exploration is delicate, tender, and brings us to a very vulnerable place. But, it is also sweet, nourishing, and life-changing.
We’ve all been wounded. We can all heal.
If you’re feeling called to do some work on this part of your life, check out my up-coming 12-week Online Attachment Healing Women’s Circle, beginning September 16th!
Here we will connect in a small group of amazing self-identified Women who are looking to grow and heal their own attachment wounds. Attachment work, in particular, is levelled up in a group environment. Why? Well, think about it. We are dealing with relationship wounds. We don't heal those types of wounds in isolation. We heal them in relationship. Together we will hold a safe space where we can connect and allow ourselves to be seen. It's going to be magic and I can't wait!!!
If you're interested, check out more details here. (just scroll down for a sec to see then info!)
Or feel free to use the contact form below to send me a message!