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Have you ever noticed that the same patterns that keep playing out in your relationships? Or, hey, maybe that you don’t even let yourself get close enough to people to even have romantic relationships.
You know that there is something to it… but what? You don’t want to keep doing those things, but… they just… happen.
Studying psychology for many years, I head hard about this thing called “attachment” many times. But, when I heard about it, it was always talking about the child-parent relationship. Little did I know, there was this amazing field of research that looked at how these attachment patterns played out, not just in our childhood, but into our adult years.
Since discovering the brilliance that is adult attachment theory, my mind has been blow. I see it everywhere, how these patterns we formed in our childhood play out in our adult lives. It has become a fundamental piece of my work.
When I learned about child-parent attachment patterns, based on researched originated by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, it basically said this:
If your primary caregiver (usually your mom), is for the most part attentive, present, meets your emotional and physical needs, all of that good stuff, and, you don’t experience any sort of trauma (medical, accidents, abuse, etc) you develop a secure attachment. You feel safe and comfortable connecting to others.
If your primary attachment figure was sometimes there, sometimes not, maybe they had to work a lot, had your other siblings to take care of, or they were out of touch with their own emotions so they mistuned (not really responding to your emotions in the way you need) to yours, or, if you experienced some sort of trauma as a little one, you may develop an anxious attachment style. There is where you feel unsure if you can trust or depend on others.
If your primary attachment figure met your physical needs, but had a difficult time responding to your emotional needs, maybe they were controlling and/or restrictive in some ways, maybe your parents divorced and you learned that relationships bring pain, or you watched your parents have a miserable relationship, or same with this one, your may have experienced trauma, you may develop an avoidant attachment style. Children can learn to not express their needs, because if feels safer to just not have any or they feel like they wouldn't be heard anyways.
Now, that is a most Coles Notes version of attachment theory ever, but, we’ll get more into it shortly.
It’s important to say that parents do the best they can with what they’ve got, right? It’s not that our primary care givers just decide to not meet our needs, sometimes they are just too preoccupied with their own stuff to really get it. Their own trauma, other children, postpartum depression, you name it. Parents are humans too, making them just as imperfect as we are. So this isn’t to shame parents, it’s to shine light and develop deeper understanding.
So, we have these attachment patterns as children. And guess what…researchers found out something very interesting. They discovered that they can predict our attachment style in adulthood, based on patterns in infancy. That’s right. Infancy! Those early months are hugely formative. Extremely important. They can literally shape how we relate to others for the rest of our lives. Kind of scary, isn’t it?
But here’s some good news: Just because everything wasn’t perfect in your childhood doesn’t mean you are destined to live out a painful attachment pattern your entire life.
Hooray!
Here is what happens… as we grow up, we start to expand our network. It’s not longer just dear ol’ ma and pa, friends become super important. (Now, I haven’t read research about this, but, I have observed over the years that many people play out these attachment styles in friendships as well.) Then, when our dear friend puberty hits, it’s game over. Bye bye, Mom and Dad. It’s time for romantic interest. We find ourselves starting to be attracted to others and are ready to be “more than friends”.
Funny thing is… we think we are attracted to those person because of their personality, how they look, that really funny joke they told the other day that made you laugh so much water came out of your nose. Hate to break it to you, but, that ain’t the case. We are attracted to people who have similar attachment patterns of our primary caregiver. I know… we’re kind of twisted, aren’t we??
The ideas around why this is suggest things such as: it’s what it familiar to us, that’s how we have learned to relate to others, and some say it is to provide us an opportunity for healing the hurt that was caused in those younger years. This is known as “reenactment”.
Either way, it presents a challenge for those who developed insecure attachment. Especially because if we tend to be on the anxious side, we are typically attracted to avoidant attachment patterns. And if we are on the avoidant side, we are typically attracted to anxious attachment patterns. This, quite obviously, makes is very difficult to create a stable, healthy relationship.
Hopefully, by this point, it’s starting to make sense why past relationships (or maybe a current one!) haven’t gone so well. You are each trying to have your needs met by each other, needs that contradict what the other one is looking for.
Stats vary, but, the according to most research about 50-60% of the population is securely attached. Yay! But, that means that up to 50% of us are insecurely attached, with slightly more being avoidant than anxious.
Over the past year there is no book that I have recommended more to clients: Attached by Amir Levine. And I recommend my fair share of books! This book provides a great starting point for the in depth exploration of you own attachment style and how it plays out in relationships.
What can you do about it?
1. Be aware of your current pattern: Until you know what is driving you, you can't change it. Notice the patterns that you are playing out in your relationships. Reflect on your relationship with your parents. We cannot change what we are not conscious of.
2. Don't stop when it gets uncomfortable: Your current attachment style has a way of handling things when it gets triggered. There is a critical moment between something triggering you and reacting. Pause in that moment. Notice what your direction your default is trying to lead you. Notice the discomfort. And maybe, just maybe, instead of pulling away you can lean in a little bit. Maybe, just maybe, instead of grabbing on tightly, you can relax a little bit. Communicate with your partner when these patterns get activated.
3. Connect to your heart: These patterns are based in fear. Remember, for those who have insecure attachment styles, these were established to keep us safe or in a time when our needs weren't being met. When you can connect to your heart and come from a place of love, the choices that we make can come from a healthier place.
4. Get support: While there are things you can do on your own, getting therapeutic support is so important for those with insecure attachment styles. These patterns are complex, confusing, and difficult to break. Finding a safe space where you can do this type of healing is fundamental.
Know that we’ve all been wounded. We can all heal.
If you’re ready for something to change, reach out.
Stay tuned for future posts with more in depth information about each specific attachment style.